I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
