We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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