i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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