Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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