I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
