You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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