I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
