he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
