You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
