The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
