I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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