I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
