we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
