You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
there is glitter all over my balls
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