Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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