This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
