I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
