How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
