Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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