I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
