I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
