Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Randomize
