also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
