My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
