My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
