apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
