Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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