So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
