Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
