so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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