First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
