btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize