my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
