It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
