If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
