thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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