my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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