i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
