Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
