Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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