Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
