Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
