Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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