Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
