ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
