I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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