i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
