Yo dont text me then not text me
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
