why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
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At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
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I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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