I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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