We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
