You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
