I accidentally had phone sex last night
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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