yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
