i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
