When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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