Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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