When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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