every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
These tits shall not be calmed
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
