it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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